


is this how you say hello (in the zombie apocalypse)

by the queen conquers (dastardlydame)



Series: is this how you say hello (in the zombie apocalypse) [1]
Category: Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Love/Hate, Pre-Romance, Romance, UST, zombieland fusion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-02-11 04:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 9,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2054049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dastardlydame/pseuds/the%20queen%20conquers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(AU, Zombieland fusion) Glenn is lonely and wants a friend.  Daryl is grouchy and a little creepy, but he'll do.  </p><p>Meanwhile, Maggie and Beth are 500% done with both of them.  </p><p>Post-apocalyptic hijinks ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one is the loneliest number

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is what happens when you watch Zombieland and Walking Dead on the same night, and trick yourself into thinking a loosely based Zombieland/TWD fusion needs to happen. Idk. I blame the ridiculous amount of candy I ingested.
> 
> Warnings (this chapter): language, brief sexism from an offscreen character
> 
> If I missed anything, please let me know.

Glenn Rhee is lonely. 

Don't get him wrong, his life wasn't a nonstop party and Ke$ha song before the outbreak but it wasn't so bad.

Pre-meltdown of society, Glenn lived in a seventh floor walk-up with thin walls in the cheaper section of Atlanta, ate a steady diet of greasy pizza (thanks to his dream job of pizza delivery boy) and played a lot of video games. He usually poured himself into bed at 3AM after being trash talked by a pre-teen on Xbox. 

Life was not ideal but it was life. 

Now, he has to worry less about making it to a customer's apartment in thirty minutes or less, and more about anyone and everyone attempting to chow on his intestines like he's a giant bag of Doritos.

Doritos, mmm. Man, oh man, he misses Doritos.

Strange thing is that he actually misses that twerp kid calling him a "pussy dildo assfuck"--points for originality--and screeching in his ear about flanking and defensive maneuvers, which is how Glenn realizes he's lonely.

Glenn was alone in a violent wasteland, like Will Smith in "I Am Legend" except no awesome dog to keep him company and then go and die on him, leaving him a broken, weepy mess. He had no one to avenge with his righteous and merciless fury except a tennis ball named Wheatley with a sloppily drawn on smiley face.

(And if he sometimes talks to the ball and it replies with a snarky comment and an English accent, well, no one can prove anything. Rotting cannibal creatures make terrible witnesses.)

Yep, he needs a friend. A real one. Anyone breathing and not interested in munching on his guts would do. Glenn isn't picky.

 

"Hey, wake yer damn fool ass up, kid. Yer droolin' on Veronica and I gotta take a piss," Daryl grumbled, poking at his arm like a belligerent sibling with a grudge and nothing to lose.

Maybe he should've been picky.


	2. daryl isn't glenn's dream girl, but he's still pretty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glenn and Daryl's first meeting involves a healthy dose of paranoia, a half-naked Walker, dead squirrels, and Daryl being a badass rescuer named Cletus. Glenn would also like to point out that Daryl is definitely not the hot brunette he wished for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glenn and Daryl's first meeting goes about as well as you'd expect, but Daryl only threatens him once. Personal record, I think.
> 
> Bonus points to anyone that realized the tennis ball is a reference to Portal.
> 
> Warnings (this chapter): language, vague zombie violence, brief reference to the movie Deliverance (nothing too triggery but be careful), redneck stereotypes?
> 
> If I missed anything, please let me know. I want people to feel safe when reading this.

Daryl Dixon was a menace to society and cute little squirrels everywhere, Glenn decided.

The first time he met the trigger happy redneck, Glenn's car had given up the ghost and it was just him and his good pal, Wheatley (loyal friend and tennis ball), traveling down the deserted road on foot.

Glenn wasn't going to front. He was scared shitless, lonely, and Wheatley, the yellow, fuzzy bastard, was no help in alleviating either issue.

He hadn't seen any Walkers for a while and it was making him understandably paranoid. Where were they? Were they lying in wait, expecting their dinner on legs to be delivered? Would they feast on his insides and leave his sad, little carcass in the road? He liked his innards right where they were, thanks. Wheatley was suspiciously quiet on the matter.

Glenn hated the apocalypse.

He also hated that all of the abandoned cars were out of commission for some reason or another. He needed wheels before he became an unwilling Happy Meal.

That's where Daryl came in.

Glenn heard him before he saw him. The roar of a truck interrupted his mental debate over Marvel vs. DC, which was probably for the best because the debate had become heated. Glenn panicked because what few humans still existed weren't always the Mister Rogers type, and he was pretty attached to being alive and relatively unharmed.

Yeah, he hid. He hid so fast that The Flash would be jealous of his amazing speed.

He leapt behind a blue Toyota with an SOS sign on the windshield, and peeked over at the truck making its way in his direction.

The truck was old, ancient even. Glenn could make out what looked like a plow covered with gore attached to the front and a sweet motorcycle in the back.

Glenn smelled a redneck. Possibly named Cletus.

The truck began to slow and Glenn had a freak out. He was too young and too cute to end up in a remake of "Deliverance." The last thing he wanted to be told was that he had a pretty mouth by Cletus. 

Unless Cletus was a beautiful woman, then that could be arranged. Brunette, ideally.

The truck idled a few feet ahead and Glenn brought his shotgun up. The gun would bring Walkers to him like a dinner bell but he didn't have much of a choice. At least he could outrun them. Probably. 

Hopefully. 

He was going to die.

The window rolled down and a dirty arm came to rest on the blood-stained door.

"Y'know there's a geek behind yer dumb ass."

Oh yeah, Glenn's redneck sniffer wasn't wrong. And that was no beautiful woman. Kinda brunette, though, so he was halfway there.

Wait, what. Did that guy just call him a geek? Rude. Accurate but rude.

A low groan sounded behind Glenn and he spun around, only to spot a Walker in an argyle sweater and no pants bearing down on his ass.

Worst visual. Ever.

He brought the shotgun up to put the Walker down but before he could end its miserable existence--and prolong his own--an arrow flew into its head and it dropped like a sack of potatoes.

Poor pantsless bastard.

"I don't wanna know what the fuck that guy was in the middle of doin' when he turned," Cletus muttered as he walked over to Glenn and the corpse. He reached down and yanked the arrow out of No Pants's head with a squelching sound. 

He shook the arrow out, sending a spray of blackish goo right onto Glenn's sneakers.

Ew.

Glenn eyed the owner of the arm as he scraped his Converse along the grassy median. 

The crossbow now pointed at him with a Clint Eastwood squint was not helping Glenn's first impression of the guy.

"You try anythin' funny and you'll get an arrow where the sun don't shine."

Glenn held up his hands and wiggled his fingers like a poor impression of jazz hands.

"Look, I don't want any trouble. I'm just looking for a ride--a car ride!--and a friendly face."

Cletus's face was anything but friendly. Glenn tried to look harmless.

"Um, well, the friendly face isn't a dealbreaker."

The guy looked like he could stare into the eyes of a sweet Girl Scout and tell her he didn't give two flying fucks about a box of Thin Mints, and then go chug a six pack of Bud with no guilt.

Were those dead squirrels hanging off his belt?

Creeeeeepy. 

The guy let the crossbow fall to his side as he eyed Glenn up and down, taking his measure. 

Maybe deciding if Glenn could be used for Walker bait in a pinch.

"Don't touch anythin', don't say anythin', and don't try to play no car games because I **will** shove yer ass right outta the truck." 

Cletus gestured towards said truck with annoyance. "Well, get in. I don't got all day, kid. Good Lord."

Glenn was man enough to admit he scurried like a little mouse to get in that truck. You had to have balls of steel to purposely piss that guy off.

(Glenn finds out later that you don't need steel balls to successfully take him on. You need steel ovaries.)

Glenn buckled in and pretended to ignore his new acquaintance's raised eyebrows.

Safety first, even in the apocalypse.

Glenn wiggled in his seat to achieve maximum comfort (and maybe hear the leather squeak) and looked around the cab, only to let out a (very manly) squeak of his own.

Were those Walker ears dangling off the rearview mirror?

C'mon, man. Not cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No pantsless zombies were harmed in the making of this chapter. Well, one was. But he was going to eat Glenn, so.
> 
> Thanks for reading! If you have any thoughts, feel free to comment. I've already planned and written some of this, but if there's anything from the movie or show that you think should make an appearance, I'd love to hear it. Plus, I like talking to people. Hiiii.


	3. driver picks the audio book and shotgun shuts his cakehole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glenn wants to get to know his new travel buddy, Daryl, better. His new travel buddy just wants peace and quiet.
> 
> Also, Glenn likes long walks on the beach, Bambi, and prefers romance to horror. And he hates clowns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making friends is harder than it looks. If you're trying to make friends with Daryl Dixon, that is. But Glenn is determined. I have faith that he'll crack that nut.
> 
> Warnings (this chapter): language, Daryl, discussion of zombie violence, threats of physical violence, Bambi's mom?
> 
> Once again, please let me know if I missed anything. Thanks!

Once awkward and frankly terrifying introductions had been made (he had ears! Why did he have ears?), it was a less traumatizing car ride than Glenn would've thought.

It turned out that Daryl wasn't kidding about his unreasonable hatred of car games, though.

Glenn only made that mistake once. 

_"We should play I Spy, dude."_

_"I spy an idiot about to be thrown from a speedin' truck."_

_Glenn blinked. "So, I guess 20 Questions is out?"_

Other than that? Not so bad. Daryl was a quiet companion, and nice enough to share his beef jerky after Glenn's stomach growled loud enough to be heard over the audio book playing. 

(It only took him a few minutes of confusion before he realized that Daryl was listening to Stephen King's "IT." Demonic clowns, yay. Not Glenn's secret nightmare at all. And who listens to Stephen King in a world like theirs? How about some Nora Roberts? Glenn wouldn't mind a romance at the moment. A romance with a sweet but fiery woman laying claim to her broody protector after discovering that he has layers like Shrek. Or a romance where the badass heroine falls for the devilishly handsome pizza boy and they make beautiful babies.)

"So..."

"Didn't I say no talkin'? Or was that the other hitchhiker that I left for dead?" 

Glenn gulped and scooted closer to the door. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Daryl glance over at him and let out a little huff.

"Ya get three questions and then **I** get quiet for at least an hour. Clear?"

"Crystal," Glenn replied, grinning. He tapped his fingers on the dashboard in contemplation. "Okay, my first question: Where you headed?"

Daryl shrugged a shoulder.

"Nowhere. Jus' drivin' around and killin' these bastards. Was goin' on a road trip with Merle," Daryl's eyebrows lowered and his mouth tightened, "but he ain't around anymore."

Glenn knew what that meant and wisely didn't ask about Merle. He had glimpsed a picture of a little blond boy stuck in the visor a few miles back. Merle was probably Daryl's son, and Daryl didn't seem the type to want to Dr. Phil things up and talk about his child's death. Plus, Glenn really didn't want to be thrown from a moving truck for mentioning it.

Glenn cleared his throat. "So, um, favorite food?"

He winced. Favorite food? Jeez, he should just throw **himself** out of the truck.

The look Daryl threw him stated plainly what he thought about Glenn's questioning skills, and it wasn't a glowing review.

"Deer," Daryl answered, eyes rolling.

Glenn was horrified. 

"Bambi's mom? You eat Bambi's mom?"

"Ya get hungry enough, kid--and ya will in this hellhole we're livin' in--and you'll eat Bambi's mom like it's a Big Mac and you're high as all hell."

Daryl had a way with words. But no, Glenn refused to eat a deer and Daryl couldn't make him.

(Glenn realizes later that venison isn't bad, especially when food is scarce. Sorry, Bambi.)

"Okay, last question--"

"Finally," Daryl muttered.

"Coolest way you ever killed a Walker?"

That question earned him a look of respect, or the closest Daryl equivalent.

"Guess it'd be the one I slammed in a trunk. The sonuvabitch popped like a jelly donut."

"Oh man, that's so gross but cool at the same time."

Daryl smirked.

Glenn relaxed into his seat and propped a foot on the dash. Maybe this was the start of a beautiful friendship.

"Best get that shoe off Veronica before I feed yer ass to the Geeks."

Or maybe not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Daryl. You awkward little butterfly. You can't threaten your way out of Glenn's friendship. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Y'all are great. Feel free to leave a comment, even if it's just to scream in my direction about season five.  
> I'M NOT READY BUT I NEED FOR IT TO BE OCTOBER. HALP.


	4. clean-up in aisle 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glenn and Daryl's epic adventure continues with a visit to their friendly neighborhood grocery store.
> 
> Bonding, cruelty against Doritos, jokes about Daryl's hygiene, and Maggie's first appearance all occur. Not necessarily in that order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically a filler/stepping stone to get to the first meeting between Glenn/Maggie and Beth/Daryl. It starts in this chapter and extends to the next. I'm dorkily excited about it. Idek.
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings: language, cannibalism jokes, blink and you'll miss it sexist/heteronormative joke

Glenn spent much of his young life dreaming of finding his soulmate. He wanted someone to laugh with, someone to love, and a hand to hold. Even though the world had all but ended, he still wanted those things. He wanted a partner.

"Are ya sure yer lookin' for a girl, kid?" Daryl threw him an amused glance as he pulled Veronica up to the local grocery store's entrance.

But no, the gods sent him Daryl Dixon. They were probably laughing their asses off right about now.

"Daryl, we've been traveling together for a couple days, and I feel like we've bonded--"

"We haven't," Daryl interrupted.

Undeterred by the rudeness, Glenn continued, "I think we've bonded enough for me to tell you that you're kind of a dick."

"My heart is breakin'."

Glenn glared. "Such a dick."

Daryl patted the steering wheel before grabbing his crossbow and jumping out of the truck. 

"C'mon, kid, let's get this over with. I'm starvin' and yer startin' to look like a naggin' hotdog."

"Oh, that's comforting. I _definitely_ know you well enough to not be afraid you're gonna eat me, guy-I-just-met-recently," Glenn muttered, hopping out of the truck with his shotgun and following Daryl to his inevitable doom.

"Is this even a good idea? This place has to be crawling with Walkers, dude."

"Nah."

"Nah? That's all I get? I'm gonna die today, aren't I?"

Daryl paused and squinted in his direction. "Look, kid, I'm not gonna let anythin' happen to ya. Even if ya are just a talkin' drumstick at the moment."

Glenn was oddly touched. Coming from Daryl, that was like the equivalent of a friendship bracelet from a well-adjusted person. 

Oh yeah, they were going to be buds.

"Besides, me and Merle cleared this place the last time we were through these parts. Should only have a couple a stragglers by this point, if that."

Glenn was confused. Who let their kid clear a grocery store of violent cannibal creatures? 

Daryl Dixon, apparently.

Glenn mentally shrugged and banged on the doors, waiting for any stragglers to drag their slow asses up to the front.

Peering through the glass, Daryl shook his head. "Looks clear."

They pried open the doors and warily made their way through the store, shoving canned goods and unexpired junk food (Doritos, yes! He didn't even care that Daryl was judging him about his excitement) into Glenn's trusty backpack along the way.

They saw only three Walkers groaning and shuffling around but Daryl put them down quickly and with his typical "no fucks to give" approach.

"Clean-up in aisle seven!" Glenn cracked himself up.

Daryl looked over and deliberately stepped on a bag of Doritos in his path. Cruel, so cruel.

Brandishing a container of hand sanitizer he took earlier, Glenn shook it at Daryl and said, "Hey, something you've never used before--" 

Daryl slapped a dirty hand over Glenn's mouth. Glenn pried it off and rubbed his collar over his lips. Yuck, that's exactly why they needed Purell.

"I hear somethin'," Daryl whispered. He did some fancy hand signals but Glenn was pretty sure he was making them up as he went along, but he humored him and peeked around the corner as subtly as possible.

And there she was.

Birds sang, sun shined, flowers bloomed, and angels wept at the perfection approaching them with a gun and an anxious expression.

"Oh, thank God! We've been trapped in the back and my sister needs help," Glenn's dream girl cried, beautiful eyes wet with tears.

Of all the grocery stores in all the world, he walked into hers.

"Oh, brother," Daryl muttered.

Did he say that out loud?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glenn is awkward with the ladies. I dig it. 
> 
> Who do we think will be more awkward in love: Glenn or Daryl? 
> 
> Will Glenn ever figure out Merle was definitely not a sweet little kid?
> 
> And will Glenn keep waxing poetic about love and everything Maggie does and says? (Probably.)


	5. dog eat dog world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glenn and Daryl finally meet Maggie and Beth Greene.
> 
> It doesn't go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wee, I was excited to write this chapter. It's one of my favorite parts in the movie.
> 
> Maggie and Beth are temporarily going by aliases. Sorta. They have a reason but they'll be back to their real names soon.
> 
> Warnings: language, threats of violence, and a sexist insult

Ladybug didn't look so good.

The goddess with a gun had introduced herself merely as "Greene" and guided them past a very smelly meat section to a door, which opened into a storage area.

"And this is Ladybug," she said, pointing to a girl hunched over on a folding chair.

Ladybug was likely naturally fair but alarmingly pale at the moment, and her breathing was labored and wheezy. Blonde hair was falling out of a haphazard ponytail and sticking to her sweaty face while she tried to catch her breath.

Daryl raised his crossbow so fast that Glenn was surprised he didn't hit himself in the face. Which would've been hilarious, in his opinion.

What was not hilarious, however, was the chaos that erupted when Daryl threatened to shish kabob the tiny, blonde one. Things devolved into an O.K. Corral situation before Glenn even thought to lift his gun.

"Whoa, Daryl! What are you doing?" Glenn flailed.

Her older sister, the lovely flower of Glenn's affections, quickly stepped in front of her sister, aimed her gun at Daryl and said quietly, deadly, "Better stop pointing that thing at my sister before I blast your hillbilly ass to kingdom come." 

Hey, Glenn's dream girl spoke fluent Daryl. Should he be worried?

Daryl barely took his eyes off of his target to send her an unimpressed look. "She bit?"

"Daryl, put the crossbow down." Glenn tried--and failed--to smile reassuringly at their new friends. Oh, don't mind my buddy here, he just wants to kill your sister. Not awkward at all.

"Kid, if that girl is bit, she's not gonna have a tea party with ya. She's gonna fuckin' rip ya apart." Daryl kept one eye on the sweet-looking ticking time bomb as he tried to reason with Greene. "Look, lady, I'm not unsympathetic to yer situation here, but yer bug--"

"Ladybug," Ladybug corrected with a cute little huff and roll of her eyes. It was possibly the most adorable thing Glenn had ever seen. She was like a disgruntled kitten annoyed with Daryl's existence. 

A kitten about to turn into a killer, unfortunately.

Daryl maturely rolled his eyes right back. "Whatever. Yer Ladybug is gonna turn and then she's gonna rip yer fuckin' face off."

"He's first on my list," Glenn heard Ladybug mutter grumpily. He couldn't blame her. Daryl inspired that homicidal feeling in people.

Glenn stepped between Daryl and Greene, attempting to be the voice of reason in this little standoff. "Guys, let's just take a breather here and--"

"Both of you shut up. She's my baby sister. If she's gonna turn, I'll be the one to handle it," Greene said, turning to Ladybug and affectionately brushing some hair behind her ear.

Ladybug smiled bravely and let her sister fuss over her.

Glenn was going to cry. This was harder to watch than "Atonement" and "Titanic" put together. Even Mr. Hardass Hates Feelings looked like he felt a little bad about the situation, letting his bow drop to his side and doing that squint thing. Or maybe that was just gas. Hard to tell with Daryl.

A tear ran down Greene's cheek as she turned to face Glenn and Daryl, hugging Ladybug to her side. "I think we'd both prefer if I did it, but I only have a couple bullets left," she trailed off and looked imploringly at Glenn.

"Here, you can use mine," he volunteered, handing it over eagerly and ignoring Daryl's scoff. Then, realizing how insensitive that appeared, Glenn shot Ladybug an apologetic look. Ladybug narrowed her eyes at him in reply.

Greene looked bemused as she accepted the gun, but her expression turned grim when she turned to her sister.

Ladybug smiled softly and nodded.

"It's going to be okay, Ladybug," Greene whispered, "I'm going to make it alright."

She lifted the gun. 

Oh, God, Glenn couldn't watch this. He closed his eyes.

"Get on your knees."

Wait, what? 

Daryl's very creative cursing forced Glenn to open his eyes.

Gone was the grieving sister and in her place was a blank-faced warrior goddess, pointing Glenn's own gun at him. Pointing it right at balls, to be specific.

He slowly kneeled.

Was it wrong that he still found her beautiful?

"Get on your knees," Ladybug repeated firmly, gun aimed at Daryl's head. 

Daryl looked ready to breathe fire, crossbow aimed right back at her. She smiled sweetly. He scowled.

Glenn was confused. "B-b-but you were sick! You were going to turn." 

"She made a full recovery. It's a miracle," Greene said, gesturing to his backpack impatiently. He shrugged it off and tossed it over. The gun wasn't pointed at his balls anymore, but having it pointed at his head wasn't much of an improvement.

"Hallelujah," Ladybug added dryly. She kept her gun steady on Daryl. "Look, Darren--"

"Daryl," the man in question snapped. If possible, his glare intensified.

"Whatever," the blonde threw back at him with a sunny smile. "We're all stuck in a bad situation but my sister and I don't want to hurt either of you."

Greene interjected, "But we will if y'all don't cooperate." She moved closer to Glenn, resting the gun against his forehead. "It'd be a shame if anything happened to your friend here. He seems nice."

Oh God, he was going to die. No way would Daryl surrender just to save a guy he met a couple days ago. 

Daryl carefully set his bow on the floor and backed up, getting on his knees next to Glenn.

What?

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

"Don't let this go to yer head, kid."

"Too late, buddy."

"I'm not yer buddy."

"Can't hear you. I'm already planning our matching jackets."

"Jesus."

Greene grinned, keeping a careful eye on Ladybug as she picked up Daryl's weapon. "Y'all make a cute couple. Now, which one of you lovebirds has the keys to that truck parked outside?"

"My guess is Mr. Grumpy Bear over there."

"I think you're right, Bug," Greene replied. "Toss 'em over, Daryl."

Daryl clenched his jaw and reached for his pocket.

"Slowly. Don't want any surprises."

He threw them over. Ladybug caught them mid-air with one hand. Glenn was jealous. He would've dropped the gun or the keys. Or both.

"Well, boys, we thank you for your fine southern hospitality and wish you luck," Greene said, seemingly sincere. 

Ladybug nodded in agreement, pocketing the keys.

It would've been a nice sentiment, but it was ruined somewhat by the fact they were robbing them and leaving them stranded in a grocery store, Glenn thought.

Daryl apparently felt the same. "You stupid bitches just gonna leave us here without a weapon? That's as good as killin' us yer damn selves."

Greene merely blinked, unaffected. "Well, Daryl, I'm not unsympathetic to your situation but it's a dog eat dog world, and bitches gotta stick together. Sorry."

Ladybug actually looked a little guilty as she told them to count to five hundred while the terrible twosome backed out of the storage room.

Well, that could've been worse. At least he still had his hat. And Daryl.

Greene ran back into the room and plucked the baseball cap right off his head.

"Thanks!" And just like that, she was gone again. 

Well, he still had Daryl.

"I'm gonna kill them, and then I'm gonna kill you."

Uh-oh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, they are not having a good day.


	6. the adventures of cricket and ladybug (interlude)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief look at Maggie and Beth on the road shortly after their encounter with the boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to give two of my favorite ladies some love. Glenn can't have ALL the fun.

"That went well."

Beth looked at her sister out the corner of her eye, poking through the stolen backpack's contents.

"That man almost shot me with an arrow, Maggie."

Maggie smiled over at her. "Yes, but he didn't."

"Excuse me if I'm not comforted."

"I had it under control."

"Uh-huh." Beth pulled out a wallet covered in comic book characters. "I think your boyfriend likes comic books."

"You're a brat," Maggie retorted, yanking the wallet out of her sister's hand. She flipped through the contents, keeping one eye on the empty road.

Beth scooted closer on the bench seat, trying to get a look at his ID. "His name is Glenn Rhee."

"That's an awful picture."

"Maggie, don't be mean. He's cute."

"Didn't say he wasn't cute. Just said that his ID picture is awful."

"Don't think I didn't notice you batting your eyelashes at him back there," Beth said slyly.

"Don't think **I** didn't see ya leave that crossbow on the counter for the hillbilly, Beth Ann."

"Wasn't trying to hide it, Maggie May," Beth replied, sweet as pie. "We couldn't leave them stranded without a weapon. That's not very Christian."

Flabbergasted, Maggie asked, "What part of _any_ of what we just did was Christian?"

Beth looked torn. "We should probably feel worse about it."

"Probably, but we have to stay safe. By any means necessary. Dad would want that, Beth."

Beth fiddled with the backpack's zipper, biting her lip.

Noticing her sister's sadness, Maggie wrapped her free arm around Beth's shoulders.

"You still got me, Bug."

"You got me, too, Cricket."

"I thought we agreed to never call me that."

"Nope."

"I wonder if Glenn--"

"Oh, we're on a first name basis with our victims?"

Maggie ignored her the way only an older sister could do after years of practice, and continued, "I wonder if Glenn has to deal with this much sass from the hillbilly."

"The hillbilly has a name. It's Darren."

"I don't think that's it."

"Derek?"

"Who knows?"

Beth rested her head on Maggie's shoulder. "Should we be worried that we'll run into them again?"

"Nah, what are the chances?"

Beth nodded.

"Hey, Maggie."

"Yeah, kiddo?"

"Why are there ears hanging on the mirror?"

"I don't even want to know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idek if these two have been provided middle names, but I liked Ann and May. So, if they do have canon middle names, we'll just consider these nicknames.
> 
> I bet they're second guessing taking that particular truck, though.


	7. the return of the amazing glenn and grumpy bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl and Glenn go looking for a new ride, and Glenn thinks Daryl is a little bit terrifying. Again. Still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys. Let's marathon Walking Dead and eat candy together.
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings: language, casual racism in the form of Daryl assuming Glenn is Chinese, and a sexist comment (nothing you haven't heard from Daryl on the show, though)

They had been walking for what felt like hours in the hot Atlanta sun, looking for viable transportation and a hint of where the two she-devils had gone.

Daryl didn't even look winded but Glenn was pretty sure it was because he was running on pure rage and a lust for vengeance. Every so often, his eye would twitch and his jaw would tighten enough that Glenn could hear his teeth grinding. It was pretty creepy and he half-expected Daryl's head would explode like a cartoon character.

Daryl had also taken to giving him the silent treatment.

"I can't help but get the feeling that you think this was partially my fault," Glenn said, kicking a rock from the sidewalk. It hit the arm of a corpse faceplanted in a flowerbed.

"Partially? It was yer fault," Daryl grumbled because he was belligerent and forever unreasonable.

"How?"

"That girl had ya by the balls the minute ya set eyes on her. Ya handed yer weapon right over for a pretty face. How'd she repay ya? She took yer shit. And yer hat."

Don't remind him. Glenn felt naked without his hat. He ran a hand through his mussed hair.

"And those sneaky bitches took **my** truck and crossbow because yer a sucker."

"To be fair, they left the crossbow at the customer service desk." With a note calling Daryl a grumpy bear again. Daryl was not amused.

"Pfft, you shouldn't take a man's crossbow in the first place. That's just plain mean." 

Glenn could see Daryl from the corner of his eye, caressing the bow like a man in love. "You two wanna be alone?"

Daryl shot him a warning glare. "Shuddup."

Let it never be said that Glenn Rhee was fool enough to keep poking the angry (and armed!) bear. He mimed zipping his lips.

They walked in slightly awkward silence until they came upon a, miracle of miracles, used car dealership that was still mostly intact.

Daryl looked positively gleeful at their discovery. Well, the nearest approximation to gleeful that Daryl's face could tolerate. Glenn came to the realization that Ladybug was right: Daryl was a grumpy bear. 

"What?" 

"What what?"

"Ya said somethin'." 

He said that out loud? Oh, jeez. Maybe Daryl would believe it was that Walker stuck in a bush by the entrance. "Um, no. Didn't say anything. Maybe you're hearing things. Could be old age."

Daryl looked suspicious but went back to scouting the lot for threats and a car. Glenn breathed a sigh of relief as he joined in the search for their new ride.

Sweet Jesus, was that a Dodge Charger? Cherry red and gorgeous. Glenn made grabby hands in its direction. 

"Check this baby out, Daryl!"

Daryl yanked an arrow from a Walker's rotting head and smirked at his choice. "Booyah! How 'bout ya go and grab the keys, so we can find the Doublemint Twins and get our shit."

Glenn looked over at the dark dealership nervously. Didn't look like his imminent doom at all.

"Ya scared or somethin'?"

"I laugh at danger. Ha. Ha. Ha," Glenn squeaked.

"Quit yer worryin', all ya got is that pathetic knife from the store. I'll cover ya," Daryl sent him an evil smile, "and I'll only let them eat ya if I gotta get away quick."

"That is terrifying. You are terrifying."

"Think they like Chinese?"

"I'm Korean, jackass."

"Whatever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beth and Maggie return in the next chapter. And they're looking forward to torturing the guys. So am I. ;)


	8. rule #31: always check the backseat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl and Glenn find the truck minus the Greene sisters.
> 
> The Greene sisters find themselves a pair of suckers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry! I've been sick for the last week and looking/feeling about as Walker-like as Daryl when Andrea shot him. Though, luckily, I didn't get thrown from a horse, fall down a hill (twice), get impaled, hallucinate my cranky brother; get attacked by Walkers, have to yank an arrow from my body, or get shot in the head. Okay, now my cold just seems trivial. :P
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings: language?

Only two close calls with some hungry Walkers and a ripped jacket ended up being his punishment for listening to Daryl Dixon.

Not the worst day of his life, to be honest. And Daryl did cover him as promised; he was a good guy to have at your back, the rest of his personality aside. Plus, that little bout of terror got them a sweet ride.

Now, they were cruising down a wooded road in said sweet ride because Daryl was convinced the "demon women" were close by. Glenn was starting to think that Daryl had cracked a little. 

"Hey, Daryl?" 

"Yeah?" Daryl kept his eyes glued to the road. His intensity bordered on fanatical.

"We've been driving for awhile and your eyes are starting to look a little crazy."

"So?"

"So, uh, what's the plan here?" Glenn pointed out the window. "Do you even know where we are? 'Cause I sure don't."

"'Course I know where we are. Good Lord, do I look like an idiot?"

Glenn figured that was a rhetorical question, and he liked living, so he didn't answer.

"But how do you know they went this way? Redneck tracker magic?"

Daryl shot him a dirty look. "I know they went this way 'cause that's my truck up ahead."

Glenn peered out the dirt- streaked windshield to see Veronica parked on the right shoulder by a cluster of trees, seemingly abandoned. Maybe it was silly but he hoped the girls were okay, even if they did threaten to kill him. And took his hat. 

Daryl slowed the Charger to a stop about fifty feet away and scoped out the surrounding area for threats. Threats in the form of malicious girls with firepower, Glenn correctly assumed.

"I'm gonna check it out," Daryl announced, grabbing his bow and opening the door.

"What if it's a trap?" Glenn didn't feel like being murdered today.

"Looks like they're long gone." Daryl leaned back in to point at Glenn. "Stay here with the car and try not to get killed or mugged for five minutes. Can ya manage that, kid?"

Rude. Glenn had survived just fine on his own before Daryl, and he'd survive long after he pushed Daryl off a cliff for being a smug jackass. 

Glenn rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I can manage that."

Daryl nodded approvingly and slammed the door shut. Glenn watched him make his way to the truck, crossbow aimed and ready at all times.

"It would be a shame if you tripped and fell on your face," Glenn muttered, closing his eyes and relaxing into his comfy seat. He wanted to keep this car forever. Oh man, would Daryl make them take the truck now that they were reunited? Glenn groaned at the thought of giving up his Preciousssssss.

"Hi."

"Jesus!" Glenn yelped and flailed, slamming his elbow into the window in the process. Ow.

A blonde head popped over the seat like a Jack-in-the-Box. 

"Ladybug, actually." The girl in question pointed her gun at his hatless, naked head. "I think you know the drill."

Glenn nodded nervously, taking his knife (and masculinity) and handing it over to the most angelic serial mugger he'd ever met. 

Ladybug slipped the weapon between her door and the seat, flashing him a smile. Glenn didn't see a big sisterly resemblance between Ladybug and Greene, but they both were certainly beautiful. It almost made the humiliation of being mugged twice in the same day bearable. Almost.

Glenn eyed her in the mirror. "So, um, where's your sister?"

Ladybug had leaned back in the seat and was using her free hand to munch on his stolen Doritos (and wasn't that just adding insult to injury?), but his question had her meeting his eyes in the rearview. 

"She's around," Ladybug offered, amused. She obviously suspected that he had a crush on her sister but was too nice to actually call him on it. Glenn's cheeks pinkened. 

Ladybug switched her gaze to the front window, and Glenn gladly took that as an out from a conversation he never should've started.

They stared out the windshield together, watching Daryl poke around his truck and occasionally stroke it lovingly.

"That's a little weird," Ladybug observed. Glenn could only nod in agreement.

"He named it Veronica."

"The truck?"

"Yep."

"Huh." Ladybug shook her head as if to clear it and held out the Doritos. "Want some?"

"Don't mind if I do," Glenn replied, grabbing a handful and cramming them into his mouth.

Ladybug snorted.

"He's coming back," Glenn tried to say through a chip-filled mouth. Crumbs sprayed onto the dash.

"If we didn't live in a world where people were eating other people, that would be pretty gross," Ladybug said, sliding down to the floor to achieve the element of surprise. "Don't warn him, please."

Daryl ripped the driver's side door open and fell in, crossbow falling onto the console. "Looks like Veronica broke down on 'em and they had to hoof it." He smirked. "They ain't gonna last out there."

Glenn itched his nose and tried to subtly chew the rest of the Doritos in his mouth.

Crunch. Crunch.

"One of 'em took my poncho. Bet it was that mean one," Daryl grumbled.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

Daryl noticed his uncharacteristic silence. "What the hell are ya doin'?"

Glenn swallowed. "Nothin'. I just grind my teeth sometimes. It's a problem."

Daryl eyed him suspiciously and sniffed the air. "Why do ya smell like chips? We don't have--Shit!" Daryl tried to bring the crossbow up to aim but the car wasn't big enough, so he ended up smacking Glenn in the face. It was too late anyway; Ladybug already had her gun pointed at his head.

"Hi again," she greeted. "Why don't you pass that crossbow back here before someone gets hurt?"

"Too late!" Glenn shouted, holding his cheek. Luckily, the arrow didn't get him, but the side of the bow itself caught him right on the cheekbone. "Jesus, Daryl!"

The driver's side door opened and Greene smiled in at them.

"Well, well. Y'all just can't catch a break, can you?"

Daryl growled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Oh, by the way, I realized I made an error in the last chapter with the car. I thought Glenn's car (from s1) was a Charger but it was a Challenger. I've decided to keep it, though, because the Challenger appears to have two doors and Zach's Charger had four, I think. Cars are obviously not my area. I'm just like, "Yay, they get me places!"


	9. carguments (interlude)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl is annoyed, Glenn is besotted, and Beth thinks Daryl is the worst.
> 
> Maggie doesn't know what she did to deserve this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick look into the inevitable ~~argument~~ cargument between these four headstrong individuals before we move along in their adventure.
> 
>    
> Warnings: casual sexism, language, threats, mention of Beth holding Daryl at gunpoint (these warnings make this fic sound so serious, lol)

"Still think none of this is yer fault?"

Glenn turned his head to look at Daryl. He had been exiled to the backseat after Greene gleefully confiscated his crossbow. Currently, he was attempting to scowl at everyone from underneath his shaggy hair.

"I still maintain that this was 100% not my fault." Glenn waved a hand in the direction of Ladybug in the backseat. She was sitting primly with her back pressed against the door and her gun still trained on Daryl. "The little one ambushed me!"

Daryl scoffed. "She ambushed ya with Doritos?"

"Yes! They are delicious, and she is a wily foe!"

"Can't believe ya got held up by a teenage girl," Daryl said, disgusted.

Ladybug took offense. "Excuse me? That's so sexist." She shook her head in disbelief. "Did you hear that, Cricket?"

"Who the hell is Cricket?"

"She's right, that **is** sexist, Daryl," Glenn butted in.

"She's Cricket." Ladybug pointed to Greene.

"What the hell kinda name is Cricket?"

"I don't know," Ladybug narrowed her eyes, "What kind of name is Darren?" 

"My name isn't Darren, she-devil!"

"Everyone shut up, or I will turn this car around!" Greene/Cricket shouted, smacking her hands against the wheel in frustration.

Everyone shut up. For ten seconds.

"That was kinda hot," whispered Glenn, gazing at Greene in awe. He loved a tough woman.

"And I'll have you know that girls mature faster than boys--"

"Pffft." Daryl couldn't ever let things go.

Ladybug kicked him.

"Ow, she kicked me!"

"You deserved it, Daryl," Glenn told him.

"I'm gonna stomp yer ass at the next stop, ya traitor."

"I'm not even a teenager," Ladybug muttered sulkily. "Jerk."

Greene banged her forehead against the steering wheel, obviously lamenting her life choices.

Glenn helpfully patted her on the back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daryl is bitter, can you tell? And Glenn is no help because he has hearts in his eyes.
> 
> My apologies to anyone named Darren. You have a perfectly nice name. Beth just likes trolling Daryl. ;)
> 
> Little over a month to go until the premiere! Are you guys ready? I'll never be ready.


	10. wwjdd: what would judi dench do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wacky road trip continues as the group makes their way to a mysterious destination.
> 
> And they are absolutely not lost. (They might be. Don't ask Maggie.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These four. When will they learn? They can bicker and banter and grumble, but they will love each other by the end of this story.
> 
> BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEWITCHED EACH OTHER, BODY AND SOUL, AND THEY LOVE... LOVE... LOVE EACH OTHER.
> 
> I think I'm getting my movies mixed up.

"Are we lost?" Glenn asked, fiddling with the radio to give his hands something to do.

"No, we are not _lost_ ," Greene snapped. Obviously not an easygoing driver, their Greene. Glenn was beginning to think that only Ladybug had inherited the sweet genes.

"The car stinks like boy," Ladybug complained.

Then again, maybe not. 

"What's it supposed to smell like, yer highness? Potpourri and sunshine?" Daryl sneered, lounging in the backseat and watching the passing trees and occasional aimless Walker. He appeared to be attempting to ignore the drastic downturn his life had taken in the last couple of days by ignoring the cause(s) of said downturn. Glenn figured he was one of them.

"Does sunshine even have a scent?"

"Does yer mouth have a mute button?"

Ladybug leaned forward to place her head between the two front seats, deliberately smacking Daryl in the face with her ponytail. Daryl swatted at it. "Wouldn't it be a shame if something happened to that pretty little crossbow on your lap, Glenn?"

Glenn could feel the outrage emanating from the man in the back. Daryl was still smarting from having his weapon taken away while Glenn had earned his back with good behavior. It probably didn't help that Glenn gloated about it for ten minutes. Mea culpa.

He placed a protective hand on the crossbow and waited anxiously for the fallout.

"If ya even touch it, ya little demon, I'm gonna--"

Ladybug widened her big blue eyes innocently. "Uh-oh, I think I made Darcy mad."

"Darcy!" Daryl sputtered. Glenn met Ladybug's eyes in the mirror, trying not to laugh as Daryl's eye began to twitch.

"Bug, stop it. You're gonna give the redneck an aneurysm and then he'll turn and kill us all," Greene intervened.

"Fine," the blonde sighed and dropped back into her seat, her entertainment cut short. 

Glenn had to ask her, "Like Mr. Darcy?"

She shrugged and shot him a grin.

"I ain't gonna prance through a field at sunrise for any woman," Daryl spat.

Everyone looked at Daryl in varying degrees of surprise.

"What? I can't like Judi Dench?" He crossed his arms defensively and went back to staring out the window.

Huh, Daryl had layers. Who knew?

"Anyway, before our conversation devolved into yet another fight--thanks, Ladybug and Daryl--I just wanted to know where we're going."

Greene spared him a glance. "I have a place in mind," she said mysteriously.

"Great! Do we know where this place is?" Glenn wondered innocently.

"We are not lost!"

"I think we're lost," Ladybug whispered to Glenn.

Daryl snorted.

"I heard that."

"Sorry, Cricket."

"The mosquito ain't wrong. Do ya even know where yer goin'?"

"Yes!"

"Did you just call me a mosquito?" Ladybug tapped Glenn on the shoulder. "Did he just call me a mosquito?"

"I think so," Glenn chuckled.

Ladybug eyed Daryl.

"What? Yer small, pesky and a bloodsucker," Daryl replied to her miffed expression.

"Cricket, I know I said we should let them stay because of that passin' herd, but I changed my mind."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, Glenn. Not you. Glenn can stay, but Derek has to go," Ladybug insisted.

"Look, ya little brat, that isn't my goddamn name. But this is my goddamn car, and the kid is my goddamn--"

"Buddy!" Glenn chimed in with relish. He hadn't forgotten the matching jackets. They were gonna happen. He was thinking leather and a BeDazzler.

"Ugh." Daryl hit his head against the window in frustration.

"Wait, you two are friends?" Ladybug questioned. "I thought you were boyfriends."

Thud. Thud. Thud.

"Daryl, honey bear, you're going to give yourself a concussion," Glenn joked.

"--tuary for all. Terminus: those who arrive, survive," the radio suddenly spoke, making everyone stop their bickering and stare in confusion.

"What the hell?" Daryl leaned forward, nudging Ladybug out of the way. He ignored her grunt of annoyance.

"Sanctuary for all, community for all. Terminus: those who arrive, survive."

What.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KINDA SORTA CLIFFHANGER! *ominous music*
> 
> Things are happening! Especially now that I know how I'm ending the fic. 
> 
>  
> 
> ~~Daryl dies. I'm kidding! Put that knife down.~~


	11. rule #3: beware of bathrooms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang stops for a bathroom break. 
> 
> What could possibly go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the bonding begins, so I can finally achieve my lifelong goal of being that stick figure meme that says, "NOW KISS."
> 
> Okay, it's not my lifelong goal. My lifelong goal is to live in a castle and have a pet unicorn named Sparkles McDaisy, but supposedly that's not "realistic." Psshhhttt.
> 
>    
> Warnings: zombie violence (waaaaay tamer than the show)

"I have to pee."

Greene glanced at her sister in the rearview. "I told you not to drink that giant water," she reproached.

Ladybug's face emerged between the front seats. "I was thirsty. Can we stop, please?"

"I don't know, it's been awhile since I saw your official pee dance," Greene teased, grinning.

Daryl had been dozing but perked up immediately at the mention of something potentially embarrassing about one of his mortal enemies. "Pee dance?"

"Shut up, Derwood."

"Now yer just quotin' _Bewitched_."

"You mean that movie with Nicole Kidman?" Ladybug blinked innocently. "'Cause anythin' else would be long before my time."

"Are ya callin' me old, ya talkin' fetus?"

"Calling them like I see them."

Glenn coughed to cover his laughter but was pretty sure he wasn't fooling anybody. Luckily, Daryl was too busy having a weirdly sexually charged glaring contest with Ladybug to notice. "I wouldn't mind stopping to stretch my legs," he weighed in.

"Alright, kids, we'll stop up here," Greene gave in, coming to a stop next to a field of dead crops.

Ladybug let Daryl win the glaring contest to look out her window sadly. "I miss bathrooms."

"Sorry, Bug. Nature is our bathroom now."

Daryl didn't seem bothered, but Glenn had a feeling that Daryl was raised in nature. Possibly by very surly bears.

Glenn clapped his hands and asked, "Soooo, buddy system?" He turned to look at Daryl hopefully. "Be my bathroom buddy, buddy?"

"No, and stop," Daryl grumped. He was obviously still fighting the inevitable.

Greene shook her head. "That wouldn't work anyway. We need two of us at the car, and no offense but I don't trust y'all enough to leave you with our ride."

Glenn could've pointed out that it wasn't technically their car, but he decided to be the bigger person.

Daryl had no such compunction. "Ya mean the second ride that ya stole from us?"

"Maybe you made it too easy," Ladybug pointed out, slipping out of the car before Daryl could mouth off.

Daryl let out a growly huff--which was more evidence that he was raised by angry bears--and reached around the seat to take his crossbow from Glenn. "I'm gonna let a Walker eat yer sister," he muttered as he left.

Glenn watched him walk away. "His loss because I am a superior bathroom buddy. Just ask Louis from the first grade." He winced. "Um, or not, since he's probably dead now," he finished awkwardly.

Greene blinked and politely ignored his word vomit. "How about we get out and keep watch?" _So we can stop talking about bathroom buddies_ was implied in her tone.

"Yes, please."

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Glenn and Greene sat on the Charger's hood, keeping an eye out for threats and listening to Daryl and Ladybug quietly bicker as the pair ventured over to a small barn. Ladybug said she just wanted to check it out, but Glenn was pretty sure it was because she didn't want to pee out in the open. Who could blame her? Daryl probably did, but he was naturally contrary.

Greene rolled her shoulders and tilted her head in Glenn's direction. "Should I be worried about them?" Her eyes followed their progress intently. "He won't try anythin', right?"

Glenn shook his head. "Nah, he's all bark."

"No bite?" Greene asked, a little amused.

"Not that I've seen. He's kind of an ass, but he's a good guy."

"He seems to like you. I know he acts like you're a burden, but he was pretty worried when we had y'all at gunpoint."

"Which time?" He playfully nudged her shoulder with his, enjoying the pretty smile she flashed in reply.

"Got me there," she conceded. "It really is nothin' personal. I have a job to do." 

"Protect your sister?" 

Greene nodded. "She's tough and can handle herself fine, but she's still my little Ladybug, y'know?" She blew out a breath, staring in the distance. "She deserves better than this world."

"We all do, I think."

"No, some deserve it. Some deserve all of it," Greene said quietly, her expression gone cold.

Glenn was a little scared of her in that moment. In the very short time he'd known the woman called Greene, he observed that she did what she had to do to survive (sometimes with a little too much glee) and keep Ladybug safe. He got the feeling that none of her threats were empty, especially when it came to her sister's wellbeing.

He thought it best to change the subject. "So, what do you think about that Terminus message?"

Greene opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by the sounds of a struggle. Both were off the car in a flash, sprinting in the direction of the barn. 

They came around at full speed, weapons ready, to see Ladybug yanking her knife out of a gray-haired Walker's forehead and turning to help a surrounded Daryl. She grabbed another snarling Walker by the collar and shoved her blade into the back of its head, letting it drop to the ground to join two others that were sporting Daryl's arrows. 

Greene joined the fray without hesitation, slicing through the brain of an unlucky Walker with a machete. Glenn had no idea where she'd been hiding that but mentally shrugged as he took his own down while Daryl slammed his crossbow into the skull of the last with a grunt of exertion.

Greene dropped her weapon and rushed over to Ladybug, shouting, "Beth! Beth, are you okay?" She frantically checked her sister over. "Did they get you? Is that your blood? Beth!"

Ladybug--Beth?--shook her head slowly, eyes fixed on Daryl pulling his arrows out of the decaying bodies. "I'm okay, Cricket. Daryl helped me," she murmured.

Daryl pried a particularly stubborn arrow out with a squishing noise. He looked up with a triumphant smirk. "I knew ya knew my name!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, bonding! Dysfunctional bonding, but what else could we expect from these guys? Baby steps.
> 
> Easter Egg: The Walkers they put down in this chapter are Joe and his group of creeps. Because I really didn't like them and the power has gone to my head. Now, **how** they died remains a mystery...
> 
> BTW, awesome party people, I have a question for you. If Hershel could be granted a reprieve and somehow be alive in this fic, would you want that? It's not crucial to the plot but I love him and so my brain can't decide. Kinda like that Scissor Sisters song.
> 
>    
>  _I can't decide/Whether you should live or die/Oh, you'll prob'ly go to heaven/Please don't hang your head and cry/No wonder why/My heart feels dead inside/It's cold and hard and petrified/Lock the doors and close the blinds/We're going for a ride_
> 
>    
> OMG, what. Never mind, it's NOTHING like that. What is even going on in that song, Scissor Sisters? I love you, Hershel. Do not get in that car. (That song reminds me of the Governor.)
> 
> Once again, thank you for reading! And if you use tumblr and want me to annoy you, drop on by my very new (and under construction) [tumblr](http://www.queenconquerswolf.tumblr.com). I'm thinking of posting deleted scenes that I can't squeeze into the actual fic, if that's something that might interest you.


	12. friendship is magic, bro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More bonding occurs (at Daryl's expense), and Daryl is a My Little Pony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise actual plot advancement will happen in the next chapter.
> 
> Until then, let's picture Daryl as a pony!
> 
> Warnings: a little language

"I feel like we've grown closer," Glenn proclaimed on the walk back to the car. "Like we've bonded."

"If ya start talkin' about feelings, I'm gonna gag ya."

Glenn waved away Daryl's emotional Scroogery like a pesky fly. "You can't fight this, Daryl. Friendship is happening."

"Oh, Lord," Daryl muttered.

Ladybug lifted her head from where it rested on Greene's shoulder. "I think it's sweet." She peered over at Daryl and asked slyly, "Is this friendship magic, Glenn?"

"My Little Pony! _Nice._ " Glenn raised his fist for a fist bump, grinning when Ladybug obliged.

"Which pony would Daryl be?" Greene wondered, amused at their antics.

"Depends. Which one is the most grouchy and unwashed?"

Daryl gave him dirty look. "Kid has jokes."

Greene smirked at Ladybug. "I don't know... Some people like that sort of thing."

"And some people should be quiet," Ladybug shot back sweetly.

Glenn exchanged a confused look with Daryl. How did they go from talking about _My Little Pony_ to a conversation that required a decoder ring? Women were awesome but complicated. Not as complicated as Daryl, though. He was a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a redneck shell. Oh, that was perfect. "Redneck Sparkles!"

"Or Rainbow Redneck," Ladybug suggested.

"That sounds like the title for a bad 80's movie."

"What 80's movie **wasn't** bad?" Greene asked.

Glenn clutched his chest. "This hurts me. The 80s had some cinematic masterpieces."

Greene appeared skeptical.

"You could ask Darwin. He was probably alive for the whole decade," Ladybug said as she wrapped an arm around Greene's waist. Greene hugged her close.

"How'd I get saddled with you people?"

Glenn patted him on the back. "You are blessed, my friend."

Daryl didn't look like a man that felt blessed, but Glenn knew that was a front. Well, he hoped it was a front.

It was a front, right? Twilight Sparkle's adventures didn't prepare him for Daryl Dixon.

Something grabbed Glenn by the back of his shirt and pulled tight, choking him a little. "Watch where yer goin', kid. Yer ass about fell into a hole."

He did care!

"You _do_ care!"

"Stop," Daryl grumbled.

"Awww," Greene and Ladybug cooed.

"I'm gonna take a piss," Daryl told them, veering away from the group and leaving them in the dust.

Glenn grinned at his winged back. "You can't outrun our friendship, Daryl. It's magic!"

Needless to say, Twilight Sparkle would not have approved of the gesture Daryl made in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Daryl. He did not sign up for this.
> 
> THIS SUNDAY. ARE YOU PUMPED? I AM PUMPED. I'M SO PUMPED THAT I'M YELLING. 
> 
> I'M VERY EXCITED. I THINK I HIDE IT WELL.


	13. purrfectly romantic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang finds a souvenir shop while Maggie suspects Daryl has a crush on Beth. 
> 
> And Glenn gets put in the middle, much to his dismay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late chapter is late, but I offer more Bethyl hints via Daryl awkwardness as an apology.
> 
> Daryl awkwardness earns forgiveness, right? 
> 
>  
> 
> Warning(s): a little casual violence against zombies

"Logically, this should be the worst road trip ever, but I'm having a blast!" Glenn exclaimed, tripping up the walkway to Pretty Purrrrrfect Treasures.

"Yer idea of fun and mine are very different," Daryl, sucker of fun, retorted.

"To be fair, Daryl's idea of fun is probably being one with nature and hopping from tree to tree like a squirrel," Ladybug offered. Greene high fived her as they reached the double doors of the shop.

Daryl didn't look amused.

"I got this one," Glenn told the group. He tapped the glass to check for Walkers and backed up, nodding towards the doors. "Do the honors, Daryl?" 

Daryl put the flashlight between his teeth and pulled at the door handle with the hand not holding his bow.

It made a clunking sound and didn't open. Daryl pulled harder, grunting.

"Wait, maybe you have to push it," Glenn suggested.

Daryl glared. "How 'bout I push _you_?"

Glenn looked affronted. "Well, excuse me for trying to be helpful," he said huffily.

"We're never goin' to get anywhere with these two leadin' the charge," Greene said quietly. Ladybug nodded, watching in fascination at the two men arguing about how to open a door.

"I heard that!"

Greene rolled her eyes. "Never send a man to do a woman's job." She used the handle of her machete to smash the window and reached a hand through to unlock the door.

"Showoff," Glenn muttered. Greene winked and waved at him to do the Walker killing honors. There seemed to be just one, an older man, and it was moseying over to the door with teeth snapping.

"Hey, Daryl." Daryl glanced over at them from his place leaning against a light post--where he was pretending not to watch Ladybug fiddle with her knife and brush the hair out of her face.

Glenn hoped his raised eyebrows properly conveyed his amusement at Daryl's little crush. Daryl sent him a death stare, so Glenn was pretty sure he got the picture. He motioned to the doors.

Daryl moved forward and opened the door with a sarcastic flourish. The Walker fell through doorway, eager to get at its dinner. Glenn put it down with his knife and casually stepped over it, winking at Greene. 

He was so smooth.

Until he tripped over the Walker's hand and fell into a display of kitten plushies.

\------------------------------------

"What the hell is this place?" Daryl asked in a disgusted tone.

Glenn picked up a snow globe, giving it a shake. "I'm going to say the world's tackiest cat-themed crap emporium."

"I kinda like it," Ladybug confessed. Greene grinned at her. 

"You would."

"Shut up! Cats are cute."

Daryl nudged Glenn. "Figures the little blonde demon likes cats."

"Hahaha." Glenn's chuckle abruptly ended when the sisters turned their attention on them. "Um, Daryl was just sharing his thoughts on cats."

"Uh-huh," Greene said.

"I don't think she believes me," Glenn whispered to air, because Daryl had disappeared. "And you're gone. Okay."

"I think your redneck likes my sister." 

Glenn jumped and yelped, "Pretty ninja!"

Greene ignored him and asked, "Are you seein' this?" She stared pointedly at the book section of the store.

"What are you talking about?" Glenn followed her gaze and did a double take. "Oohhh."

Ladybug was in the corner of the shop, admiring some journals while Daryl was apparently admiring Ladybug as subtly as possible. Glenn watched in fascination as Daryl took a journal off the top shelf and handed it to her. Ladybug smiled at him shyly.

Maggie made a hmph sound. "I thought you said he wouldn't try anythin'." 

"I thought you meant in a redneck rage way," Glenn babbled. "This is just redneck romance!"

"That's not much better."

"But look at how cute they are! He just let his hand brush hers. And he smiled!"

"That's a smile?"

"Well, what looks like a constipated grimace to us is practically a loving smile coming from Daryl," Glenn said. Greene blinked at him. 

"That isn't reassuring. At all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! 
> 
> I love cats (even though mine has a taste for human flesh and is biting me as I type this) and have nothing against cat souvenirs. Whatever floats your boat, imo. I'm pretty sure this is not a real store, though. Any similarities to a real store are purely coincidental.


	14. neigh is a horse's opinion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang finally discusses Terminus and their next course of action. 
> 
> Daryl has a temper tantrum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second update in less than a week! Oh snap, oh snap. Go Rae, go Rae. It's your birthday.
> 
> It's not actually my birthday, but now I want cake.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning(s): none that I know of

Glenn collapsed into a calico papasan chair with a sigh. "Aahh, this is way more comfortable than Daryl's truck of horrors."

"What about the red car?" Ladybug asked from where she was sprawled on a giant cat bed with Greene.

"That was pretty cool. And it didn't have mutilated ears, so that was a win in my book."

Greene stopped playing with Ladybug's hair. "We wondered about those."

"And were understandably creeped out by them," Ladybug added.

Glenn peered around a shelf to see where Daryl was lurking in relation to them. He was checking out a window across the store but he had the ears of Superman, so Glenn leaned forward and whispered, "I'm still too scared to ask."

Greene nodded knowingly, but Ladybug sat up. "Hey, Damien!"

Daryl spared them a quick glance before looking back outside. "What, she-demon?"

"Why did you have ears in your truck?"

"Mementos," Daryl said ominously. 

Glenn gulped. "Okay, that didn't make me feel better. I think I'm better off not knowing."

Ladybug and Greene didn't seem scared, but he still wasn't sure if they were of this earth. Or maybe some sort of super soldier experiment designed to destroy the male population. 

What a way to go. Glenn was pretty sure he was smiling dopily if Daryl's judgmental expression was anything to go by. Daryl had no room to talk, though, with his gooey eyes for Ladybug. Maybe Glenn should send _him_ a judgmental look. 

Daryl squinted at him.

Or maybe not. He decided to change the subject. "Terminus!" He clapped his hands. "Yea or nay?"

"Yea," the girls chorused.

"Nay."

They all turned in unison to stare at Daryl. "Why not?" Glenn prodded.

He got rolled eyes in response. Glenn hoped they got stuck that way. "That place is a trap."

"You don't know that."

"If it seems too good to be true, it probably is, kid. The name even sounds like a place ya get murdered."

Ladybug wrinkled her nose. "He's a little ray of sunshine, isn't he?" 

"Well, that's where we're goin'," Greene stated. "We heard rumors of Terminus--"

"Was that before or after ya stole their shit and left 'em for dead?" Daryl interrupted.

Greene ignored him. "--but we figured it was a pipe dream. Now that we've heard that transmission, we have to take the chance," she finished. Ladybug nodded in agreement.

Daryl scoffed. "How did two criminals like yerselves manage to stay so naive?"

"Daryl, it's their decision," Glenn defended.

"Don't mean it ain't a stupid one."

"I guess that means y'all won't be joinin' us?"

"Hell no."

"I'm not sure."

Daryl shot him a glare. "What do ya mean yer not sure?"

"I think it means he's not sure," Ladybug said helpfully, though the last part was muffled because Greene had gently slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Well, no matter what your decision, Bug and I will still take you to the shelter we were originally headed for," Greene placated. "It's an old mansion that we used to visit on field trips. It should be safe, and hopefully have a car or two."

Glenn smiled in thanks while Daryl stomped angrily out the door, muttering about checking the perimeter, and slamming the door behind him. A glass figurine perched precariously on a shelf fell to the floor, shattering the awkward silence left in Daryl's wake.

"I don't know, guys. I think something might be bothering Daryl," Glenn joked.

"Understatement."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOHHHH. ~REVELATIONS~
> 
> Daryl, use your words. You care about them. You care about the weird kid that follows you around and never stops talking. You care about the sneaky southern belle that likes to steal your stuff. And you definitely care about the little blonde demon that likes to troll you adorably.
> 
> Accept it, bro. It's gonna happen.


	15. rule #5: no attachments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang makes it to the mansion as planned, but Daryl is still not a happy bunny.
> 
> An argument ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO LATE. I'M SORRY. FORGIVE ME? I HAVE CHOCOLATE. I'M WILLING TO SHARE.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning(s): none, but please let me know if I missed anything

It was definitely a mansion, albeit a slightly rundown one, Glenn observed, half-listening to the sisters making plans in the foyer while Daryl did his best impression of a sulking gargoyle next to him.

"Nice digs!" Glenn nudged him. "Isn't this place nice, Daryl?" 

Daryl stared at him from underneath furrowed brows. "It's a dream come true," he intoned.

Man, this guy held a grudge longer than Voldemort.

"I don't appreciate your tone," Glenn huffed. 

From their place in the doorway, Greene and Bug watched the two grown men bicker like an old married couple. Bug leaned into her sister and whispered, "Are we sure they're not together?"

"Jury's still out on that one," Greene said out of the corner of her mouth.

Glenn ignored them. "This is ridiculous, Daryl. How long are you going to give me the silent treatment?"

"When ya stop bein' a damn fool," Daryl growled. "I expect it of the Wonder Twins over there--"

"Hey!" Bug protested.

"--but yer smart enough to know that nobody is lookin' out for anyone but themselves."

Glenn's mouth opened and closed wordlessly. "That's not true," he finally said. "You looked out for me."

Daryl grunted, adjusting the strap of his crossbow.

"You helped me," Glenn insisted. He gestured to Greene and Bug. "You even helped them, and they robbed us."

"Twice," Bug added unhelpfully. Greene elbowed her in the side. 

Daryl just sighed. "I need a drink." He looked over at the women. "This place got any booze?" 

"Daryl--" 

"Never mind, I'll find it myself," he decided, stalking off in the direction of what looked to be the kitchen.

Glenn rubbed his temples. He could feel a Daryl-induced headache coming along.

"I'm going to make sure the Grumpy Bear doesn't have a liquid dinner," Bug told them, touching Glenn's shoulder in reassurance as she passed by. 

Greene watched her sister follow Daryl with an odd expression before looking to Glenn. "You okay?" 

"I guess," he answered. "But I have to say that Wheatley never gave me half the trouble Daryl does."

"Who's Wheatley?"

"My tennis ball."

"Oh," Greene said, nodding until she realized what he said. She stared at him in confusion. "Wait, what?"

"Um..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awkwaaaaaard.
> 
> Seems like Terminus is tearing this family apart. ~~for easier digestion~~

**Author's Note:**

> Everything and everyone belongs to their respective owners. This is a parody and stuff. And thangs.


End file.
